Journey to the Center of the Body - Week Two
By Joey De La Cruz
T-135: Wednesday, May 27
Today will be classified as a “rest” day. I drank last night, woke up early, still a bit groggy. What I put in the center of my body was not exactly conducive to the full functionality of my body. On top of that, I was just tired. I want to give myself credit for doing all the work I have in the past few days. It’s easy to be hard on myself today, I didn’t work out, by saying I was lazy, I was this, I was that. I could easily shit on myself for not “getting after it” today, for “wasting” a day, but in reality, I don’t think this day was wasted. I did a solid workout yesterday, I don’t think we realize how hard it is to get up some momentum, to start from a dead stop to getting our full body, mind and spirit behind a challenging new goal that takes a lot of hard work. Yes, I easily could have gotten down and done ten push-ups, and maybe, the next time I want to rest, I’ll start with that. I’ll just say, “Do 10 push-ups and THEN you can rest.” But today was not that day. Today was the first time in a few that I didn’t put any cannabis into the center of my body, so in that sense, the center of my body is different today. And let’s be real, it doesn’t really matter what we do to the center of our bodies if we poison it, right? Now, cannabis is not a poison, unless it’s Durban Poison or a variation of the strain thereof, but what I’m working at now, is in the journey to the center of the body it’s just as much about what we put into the body as what we do with it, and even if we work our asses off, if we inundate the entire system with shit, well, it’s going to be a shitty adventure. Today we broke a cycle, a cycle that was oh so much fun, that really made me feel good, but in the end, is a poison to a clean system (we will discuss the merits of this “poison” as a medicine later on). So, in that sense, even though I didn’t work out my muscles, I worked my powers of habit to change one, and to be real, is the real journey we are talking about. Because it is habit, that which we do day in and day out that contributes to our creation or our destruction. In that light, today was a tough workout and we have something very positive to show for it, the knowledge and the strength knowing that we went one day without it, whatever that “it” may be, and that’s reason to celebrate. We made it one day without something that we enjoy oh so much, and you know what, I feel better for it, more empowered that as I began to write today’s journal, it went from, oh you should have done this, cause you didn’t do anything, to: Man, in hindsight (it’s 9:12pm), that was actually a huge step. One day clearer, one day cleaner, will there be another cleaner day tomorrow? Chances are better than they were. What a leap, what a possibility! What might that mean for my training tomorrow. How much faster could I run that 5 miles I did a couple days ago? Will a sharper mind help me in other aspects of my life? I know that answer is surely, yes. Not all the workouts that we will partake in during this journey to the center of the body has to do with our muscles, but with our mind, our thoughts, our habits, our desires and our yearnings. I’m just starting to figure this out, I had an idea of what this adventure would look like when I set out upon it, but as we know, with any adventure, if you’re doing it right, the only guarantee, is unpredictability. Enjoy the ride. Day T-135, in the books.
T-134: Thursday, May 28
Woke up today feeling the effects of my run two days ago. Sore calf muscles, inner hip joints a little tight, did our morning stretch routine and it really helped to loosen up the day and my mind. But concerning my mind, well, since it’s considered part of the center of my body, we will discuss. Last night I woke up to a dream of me in my apartment, my mother was behind me, and we were both on horseback “moving forward” so to speak. I was on my horse and the horse was scared, so I got off it and said that maybe we will stop here. This whole scene took place inside my little studio apartment in Venice, CA. The horse was scared, physically exemplifying those emotions. An arched back, timid posture, small, uneasy, but what concerned me most of all were my words, “we can stop here.” Shortly thereafter I was awakened with a bolt of energy that electrified my entire body like a cattle prod to encourage the heifer to keep moving forward. I woke up and in the darkness of midnight, scribbled in my bedside journal, “Scared to get back on the horse dream.” This could mean any number of things, but I will speculate as to the two main causes, and again, since our dreams, visions, are very much prominent destinations on our journey to the center of the body, we will move from muscle to mystic...
I am afraid. It’s that simple. And why shouldn’t I be. Here I find myself in the middle of a global pandemic that has completely upended our entire global society. Ideas are breaking, new ones are forming, life is being thrust forward at an exponential rate, and here I am scared. But what am I really scared of in this dream, in this vision? Was it getting back on the horse? Why? In order to use this term properly implies that I have been thrown off the horse in the first place. In short, I fell. In time of corona the source I need to consult right now is Urban Dictionary, which defines “getting back on the horse” as: Verb, to attempt the same challenging action after failure. Which implies another wonderful feeling, failure. I have failed.
OK, so now what? I give myself time to grab hold of the reins again, for what feels like the first time. Long before I attempt to remount my steed, I have to make sense of this failure, and prevent this from occurring again in the future. As humans, we seek pleasure and avoid pain, and what can be more painful than failure? Failing again. That is why it is often very difficult to “get back on the horse that threw you.” But where would we be without failure? Most likely dead. In most cases, failure is a means of survival, a counterintuitive statement, yes, I am aware, yet honest in its truth. How did we learn to walk? How did we learn to write? How did we learn to do nearly anything we now KNOW how to do? We failed, over and over and over again until we got it right. And even though I know this in mind, body and soul, the fear of failure, or even worse, knowing I have failed eats through me like a virus. So, what specifically was my failure? Was it my lack of workout yesterday? Does it relate to my current goal of acting, of which I have become a bit disinterested/distanced? Does it relate to my lack of clarity in mind as mentioned in yesterday’s post about poison? Of which I have been seriously contemplating going to get more of to ease me throughout the day? Is it my lack of serious spiritual practice, including meditation, that was an essential element to my well-being that has been left in the trough of unconsciousness and bad habits? I can tell you most certainly that I feel it is a combination of all of these, although I feel it is the acting and spirituality to which this vision speaks to most directly.
We are our own worst enemy, we are also our greatest ally. How do we know who we are dealing with? An ally can become an enemy just as an enemy, now threatened by a greater force becomes an ally to stave off an existential threat. Therein lies the complexity of discernment and discretion. Long story short, I have been shocked. I need to keep moving forward, I need to get back on the horse, but which horse you ask? ALL OF THEM. Whatever it is that I have been thrown off of I need to reflect upon, take a long deep look and take dedicated steps towards getting back into the flow I was in prior to being thrown. Now, there is no need to shit on myself excessively, which I am often prone to do. The whole world has been thrown, mine is no different, trapped in undulating waves of gratitude and remorse, drowning me while at the same time the current of life speeds me along toward a new shore of understanding which I cannot wait to rest my body and soul upon. I can allow myself a moment, maybe just a couple, to reflect and better understand how I was thrown from my horse in the first place. Under what circumstances did I lose my balance on my horse? What can prepare me for the rough ride ahead with the confidence that I will stay up, stay straight, and keep on riding? That is what I will ponder for these next couple days while I prepare for the next ride. I promise, I will get back on the horse, I will do my best to learn from this failure, which has inspired these words that I now write, words that may very well inspire others to get back on their horse. So, was this really a failure? Or part of the plan all along? In life, if we aren’t getting knocked down many times, are we even living our fullest most daring lives? My goals in this life are not small, they are grandly universal, they are paradigm shattering, just as the paradigm our world, Earth was shattered two months ago. We have all been knocked off the horse we were so familiar with, so what to do now? Figure out how you feel, heal yourself from any injuries sustained in that fall, and get back up on the horse.
T-133: Friday, May 29
Good morning, so I didn’t do any physical exercise yesterday, it was more of a mental emotional workout, which is key, but does not work the body. But the effects of yesterday’s mental gymnastics did not go unrewarded the following day, today. I was up at six am, I’m naturally waking up early now, and last night I decided that I was in such a terrible emotional state so early in the morning because I check many of the news headlines before I even get out of bed. This programming, much of it fearmongering, set the stage for my emotional state and therefore it took me half the day to pull myself out of these lower energetic vibrations. So, this morning, no phone next to the bed, and no headlines until around 10-10:30 when my inner emotional state has already been established and will not be as influenced by the headlines of the day. This morning, out the door at seven am, back home at 7:50am after doing another five-mile run to the water and back. This one felt different, I think it was a little faster on the front half, I felt it deeper in my right calf and this time my heart was yearning me forward. On the return leg, it was slow and steady, or so I thought, I could hear voices again creeping up, even though I had made it out the door early, ran 2.5 miles in great time, I could hear them making fun, disproving of the pace I had set on the way back, as it felt a bit slow, but it was steady. It was only upon returning home that I saw in reality I was still cruising pretty well, but those voices, no matter what you do, they are there every step, but they exposed themselves to be false prophets. With a breath of fresh air, and another step forward, I left them behind. Just keep going, just keep going, became the new mantra, slow and steady, I will win this race. There was also a new sense that I wanted to “break out”, like something was pulling and pushing me at the same time from my heart space, I could feel it in the center of my chest, the same but different from my torso hug stretch when I could feel this warmth developing in the core of my being. “This run isn’t for me,” I said with about a mile left, “this is not for me.” Pay it forward. It’s for this other guy who will receive all the benefits of our hard work in the future. This is not just for me, this is for the world, when I am in my best form I can give my best to the world, and that’s what I intend to do, that is who I intend to be. Get back on the horse, this is part of it. The other part is getting back to work, on my craft, so that on the stage of life, I may play my part to the fullest. I still want to do some abs today, but I think I will rest a little bit now, cause that was a pretty solid bit of effort, and I am proud of myself for taking advantage of the fog, and instead of hearing, ‘I should run,’ in the halls of my mind, I’m beginning to hear, ‘I want to.’ T-133, off to a great start, oh, and did I mention, its Friday.
T-132: Saturday, May 30
Long walk on the beach, conversations, several hours working the mind, rehearsal.
T-131: Sunday, May 31
Sunday, a day of rest, again. NOPE! That was yesterday. There was no physical workout yesterday, for which I now sigh a deep breath. The work that was done was in the theater, the muscle I was building was my craft, for in a few days this muscle/skill will be called upon. But today, after those runs, we definitely felt it is time to once again put our focus and attention into the core of my being. And to do that, I will work my core. Yes, all those abdominals, the core of our body needs to be strong, so, let us go explore and rip up some muscle fibers and get nice and strong! We made it through an initial Ab workout. Like running, abs hurt a particular type of unique way, so it’s easy to neglect them, as I have done over the past couple weeks. But it is the core upon which the rest of our foundation rests, so no time to neglect it anymore, we need to be focused on exactly those areas that will lead to strength around them. It’s still early, so there is room for another stretch later tonight, we will do it.
T-130: Monday, June 1
Hungover, tired, toxic. No progress was made today even though in my thoughts I wanted to workout, I was aware of my lack of desire and drive, every moment was a struggle. I was tired and couldn’t function properly.
T-129: Tuesday, June 2
Wow, it’s already June 2nd, it’s been two weeks since we have begun our adventure to the center of the body, here is where we stand. It was early afternoon on the last day of May in which I felt the urge, no the desire, no, the yearning, the call to get some beers. Honestly, it just felt like it was that kind of Sunday afternoon. So, since the liquor store close to me was closed I went over to the Venice Ale House and got their largest growler and filled it with a nice delicious high alcohol IPA. This I proceeded to drink all of over the course of the afternoon and by 8pm or so I was feeling it. So what happened? Well, I got drunk, didn’t sleep well and woke up on June 1st, yesterday, feeling, OFF. You know those feels, hungover, tired, no energy, no motivation, brain static. On a journey to the center of the body, this day would be described as a toxic day. On the path I had encountered a toxic area where noxious fumes have made progress slow and tortuously painful and began to have me question the journey, this must be a wrong turn, we are lost again in a maze of bad intentions. We’ll never make it to our goal at this point. That was yesterday, today, June 2 2020, we have sobered up and are feeling centered again, I can see the world with clear eyes and a clear head, and I can see how in the future I need to be very mindful of the choices I make with alcohol, with my drinking habits, because after this noxious path into my inner earth, I know that every time I lift that glass to my mouth, those contents will enter my being, and begin to poison me. Is there a healthy balance? Perhaps, I don’t want to be no fun, but then again, I guess there are a multitude of ways to have fun that don’t include getting super drunk, and even when the party starts there are ways to mitigate the adverse effects if we have the foresight, willpower and drive to expel the depressants from our body. Plus, the older you get, the longer it will take to fully recover, which I am beginning to discover, and that discovery has led me to some new insights about how I will conduct myself in the future, because this journey, this adventure to 35 is really important to me, and I want to arrive looking and feeling my best, for I know upon arrival of that day and shortly thereafter I will be introduced to the world, and I want to arrive ready, prepared, confident and poised to take on the revolutionary role that I have been selected for. In order to connect to the world, I must first connect deeply and fully with myself, body, mind and spirit. They are all in interconnected and intertwined with each other so I must always be mindful how one action affects the others. There is no excuse now, for I am aware of the consequences of my actions, which is a step in the right direction, I can’t make the excuse, “I didn’t know.” I know too well what will happen if I take a certain action, and in life there are so many possibilities to destroy our bodies, our minds and our spirits, and often there is a business out there that will profit off our despair. It’s in many companies’ best interests to keep people sick, tired and unhealthy because then they can sell us the ‘cure.’ In this journey I am trying to teach myself that I am my own cure, I hold the power of miraculous transformation in my own hands, and finally I intend to exercise my power. Oh, shit, there’s that word again, exercise, something that was so far from my reality, yet ever present in my mind, something I was aware of with every breath of my body, but so far from coming to fruition yesterday because I had poisoned my thoughts and my mind and my body. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun, and sometimes yes, we have to go there, to get fucked up and just get fucked up. But the long-term consequences of this behavior will guarantee a toxic environment for your mind, body and being, and that feels like shit. So, what did I learn yesterday? In two weeks of this journey, I think I have had two days “off”, both in the last week, which is a troubling sign, if that continues, I fear that I might fall off the map, lose my way in this abyss, and not reach my destination.
Then, last night, in my dreams and this morning upon waking, a sign from the heavens, a subconscious communication that helped restore confidence and faith in my journey. It was a dream of me, feeling my body and standing in front of a mirror. My body was tight, my abs were rock solid, and I was admiring a line of muscle along the side of my leg, beginning up at my buttocks and waist traveling like a railroad track down the side of my leg. This was a very nice image, for I know that if I see it in my dreams, it is very close and within my reach to create it in the physical world. I was as fit as I ever was, and that is the goal of this journey, to look and feel my absolute best for my birthday! For the world, for me, to make sure that in this life, I worked my ass off and realized the full potential of my body, my mind, and my being. The journey continues, with fresh inspiration, and a new awareness. Depressants do no good for the end goal of this journey, in fact, it can be nearly guaranteed that if not taken in small quantities, responsibly, any alcohol that I drink will do more harm than good. Now is my chance, now is the opportunity to work in the shadows, for myself, to regain my full strength, to cut my body out of marble so that it may live on for all time in a radiant glow of health. It’s 8:27am, I am going to read a book right now, and I will be going to help a fellow actor film a self-tape, and when I get home, I will get down and start to sweat, and begin anew to cut this body, so that I will feel accomplished this day, so that I will know that after the toxic sludge that we encountered yesterday, will become a distant memory and fuel the fire of my desire. So, this morning we step out on the path anew, T-129 is just beginning, thank you God for a fresh start, an image of health in my mind’s eye, and the awareness that my actions will determine the course of this adventure and the difficulty of the journey, already difficult enough. So why make it harder on myself? Deep breath, take the next step.
It’s 1:56pm, there is nowhere to go, many things to do, let’s take another step forward. It’s 3:37pm, I’ve just got out of the shower, the workout felt great. I did the first burpees of my life it seems, a total of 30 I think, which was great, I really wanted to start doing some after I saw some kid do the 100-burpee daily challenge. That’s the kind of endurance and strength I want, explosive. It’s all good that I can get into a groove and hit 5mi in an hour, but what about those sprints when the time counts? So, we were breathing hard today, but now, I feel the tingles all over my body, we pushed through a new barrier, a new path has been revealed that will be easier the next time. My job now, to keep my body clean, that is the real work, it will make everything easier on the back end. Keep the body clean and it will make everything easier, I know that I will be able to operate on all cylinders, both physical, mental, and spiritual. This will be a challenge indeed, for we know how easy it is to dive back into a growler of IPA and slide back, but now there is no excuse, I know the consequences of my actions and if I take that path, I must accept the difficulties and stagnation that come with it. And you want to know the truth, the real truth, I am already beautiful. Today, here and now, in this very moment, I am a beautiful human, in a beautiful body, this is the truth, I just want to take this body a little further, but today, I am beautiful, remember that. I know we will need to keep that in mind as the journey progresses. As of right now, we feel pretty good, we will see if there is a stretch in the evening, which would be nice, but we are going to celebrate the sweat today and chill in a good book, lots of water and think up a healthy dinner to support solid muscle growth and fuel this beautiful sexy body. Thank you for the ability to do these workouts, having a body which is healthy and able to move briskly in this physical reality truly is a miracle for which I am extremely grateful.
T-128: Wednesday, June 3
Today, today is my mom’s birthday. Or it would be if she was still alive. Who am I kidding, today is still her day. On a day which it seems that I should be giving her a gift, here I am, receiving yet another from her. Today I learned once again how much my voice matters. On this day, during this time the United States of America, along with the world, has been mourning the death of George Floyd at the hand of the Minneapolis police department. Today I wrote a poem, a little story, to try and express myself, to allow myself to believe that my voice matters, that I can make a difference. In this journey to the center of the body, I did not quite believe that it would deviate to the moral center of my body, yet that is the case with adventures, they are unpredictable. So today, on the day in which my mother would have turned 70, I scheduled a healing, a remote healing with a gentleman I met on Venice beach called Nicky the Healer. I had met him twice before for a spiritual, energetic healing, because if you think you are just your muscles, well, then you are in for one hell of a fucking adventure. But hey, that’s the point right, that’s what life is all about, a fucking journey into and through the unknown into a bigger and greater unknown. If you think it’s still unknown, I know what lies beyond, or at least I have an idea, but knowing or not, the journey is still an adventure.
Today, for one hour I scheduled a healing, a reunion of my energetic, emotional, spiritual body that lives within, residing inside my physical body. These I do not do often, but only when the occasion calls for it. Today, I wanted to feel reborn, today I wanted to experience a rebirth, from my past, from the pain of my past, from the thoughts, the feelings and the burden that keeps me from being me. Today I didn’t do a pushup, although I did complete my morning yoga routine. But today, as I sat in a chair, mediating with a candle lit in front of me, connected to a healer some 150 miles away. I made space for a complete healing of my bodies. Yes, very soon, if you haven’t already you will come to the very abrupt and complete realization that you have several bodies floating within that singular “physical” body you believe you solely occupy. So, I have to ask myself, am I working them all out? When I work out, am I simply working the muscle fibers in my body, or am I working the neurons in my brain, the electrical impulses that flow from my mind to my body to initiate the movement of the muscle, am I working the intention of my desire? Where does that come from? This exercise was intense. I was sitting in a chair, experiencing a unbelievable flow of electricity fire throughout my nerves, from the top of my head through my entire body to the bottom of my feet. This was consistently felt in waves for nearly 45 minutes until I was feeling fatigued and began to let down my awareness. This healing was for my past, my present and my future, and unlike the straightforward workouts of the muscles which we feel so easily, this takes place on another plane, another level of awareness in which we cannot immediately identify the where the when and the burn, although I do feel it. It’s cuts to the core of us, to the part of us that we are often not always aware of, yet is ever present, ever alive, and ever seeking of our attention and our strength.